Lick My Design

Back in secondary school (Kingsdown) myself and Chris New began compiling the wisdom and sayings of our geography teacher – Mr. Webber. I think these were originally recorded in the back of my orange geography folder but at some point I copied them to a Word document that was last edited on 20/05/1999.

MR WEBBER’S HANDY HINTS AND PHILOSOPHICAL WORDS OF WISDOM

1. Reliability is the essence of life.
2. You direct your anger.
3. The board can’t move, so what ya gonna do.
4. Organisation is the key to success, if you’re scruffy your work is scruffy, if you’re tidy you’re alright.
5. Be organised, be efficient, cause that’s what you need in geography.
6. I had to deliver my anger, and that’s not on!
7. Revision is everything.
8. Keep dry, go to Malaya.
9. The X-Files is on. On Thursday evening, New series.
10. If you organise your thoughts you can organise your exams and you can organise your life.
11. Do not be an agent provocateur.
12. I’ll put the fan on; it makes a noise.
13. You can open a window, we don’t want disease spreading.
14. This paper is the Rolls Royce of the geography department.
15. Am I the caretaker?
16. Many hands make light work.
17. I like to provide a service.
18. Steady, rapid, rapid, steady!
19. Your name’s Nick, hee, hee, it’s difficult to remember.
20. “Ding-ton, Ding-ton” Chinese town, with an Anglo-Saxon ending.
21. It’s little things that make the world go round!
22. Plain paper is very rare (he finds some) no it isn’t.
23. I used to call you Rolls-Royce, (addressing Luke Rolls) but now I call you Rolls-Canardi, rolls down one hill, Canardi get up the other, Boom, Boom.
24. Do not exaggerate! Do not pass go! Quote me fairly!
25. Not today!
26. Are you saying I’m off my trolley?
27. Can you shut the windows, so we can’t hear the dentist next door.
28. I can just put the fan on, and speak louder and you can still hear me.
29. I’d like to have you sometime.
30. Big Ian, big Chris, big Luke.
31. Stand up there, in the centre of the Universe.
32. The whole of the solar system operates from this room.
33. It takes 365 days to go round C.2.6.
34. You’re like a star and of course the sun is a star.
35. Just hot dry, incessant desert.
36. No footballs are tilted, only globes are tilted.
37. If you missed this point you might as well not have been in this room.
38. The sun comes right across and hits the Heritage ear hole right here! (pointing at Carl Heritages ear).
39. The Herring’s (Gary Herring) swimming around again. Go back to the bank where you belong, you’re no good in a shoal.
40. Don’t be silly, you like homework, you need it.
41. Do it, change it, or tick it!
42. AAA American Automobile Association, AAA.
43. AAA American Alcoholics Association.
44. That wasn’t a mistake, that was an error.
45. Read, read, write, check..
46. Don’t abuse a lesson we’ve only got six a fortnight.
47. We give them away on aeroplanes, we sell them in shops across the western world. (peanuts)
48. If your gonna be rude to me you better walk away.
49. My philosophy on punishment is it’s not worth it, not for sixteen year olds, Danny and I will step back from the situation and talk about it, and resolve it.
50. …they farm this room and grow crops, after a year or two the fertility comes down and they move on to C.2.4 and then they move on again and they come back here to where the bugs have been at work fertilising the nutrients.
51. You will have heard of some droughts, you will have heard of ‘Bob-gell-dove’.
52. Florida, ha! isn’t life unfair.
53. This is rough paper, for rough people, Mawa!
54. I hope this week will be a quieter week, and we will have less riots in C.2.6.
55. Don’t write down the names of the people, what they’re wearing and how they’re carrying the water.
56. Ohh, look at his boat.
57. There must be cows if there’s yogurt.
58. He’s got a magnificent herd hasn’t he?
59. Go and buy some goats.
60. Nice rat! Nothing like a bit of rat.
61. Today you take your rough notes and you go North and South.
62. Kim’s already got the title done, well done Kim.
63. Africa’s the biggest country in Africa.
64. Very good, I watched it on Ceefax.
65. Oi! Awake!
66. There’s a lot of ma’s in this room, Em’ma’, Tash ‘a’….
67. Tasha Sir, can you help me? Sir No. I only give out sellotape.
68. Simon stop that! it’s childish, stupid, irrelevant, oh er, I can’t think of anything else.
69. Are you ready, are you up to date? is your whole mental energy ready to go for it?
70. Someone who defends himself, excellent, logically defended.
71. The KISS system = Keep It Simple Stupid!
72. Mr Case kissed people in the faculty heads meeting.
73. Oh, I hope that’s not real.
74. Are you all right for writing?
75. A “B” is a “B”, a goal is a goal, a miss is a miss… A million pounds is a million pounds.
76. Sustain your energy.
77. Gary is in the course, he has not run away for some reason he’s gone to the Canary Islands, very strange timing?
78. It’s an interesting one, a sad one.
79. Victor Meldrew would say “I don’t believe it”, but he’s an old geezer and I don’t like him!
80. I hope your on to a good role.
81. I’m very sweet, your not. If I can’t motivate you and you can’t motivate yourself then your in trouble.
82. Simon– Are you going to do these reports? Sir– No, I don’t want to.
83. Bring two biros in case one runs out.
84. Dusty and bumpy or wet and bumpy.
85. I will give you a sheet with all the stuff on it, don’t cry about it, it’s not that hard.
86. This class of mine, this class I always relax in.
87. Talk less, do more work.
88. You don’t have to see it, (pointing to his head) it’s all in here.
89. This is not ‘Shooting Stars’ can you sit down.
90. There are other people more important than you Kate.
91. (Singing.) Run away man!
92. I don’t really use the word crap in a lesson, but sometimes a lot of crap is written.
93. It could affect it detrimentally.
94. We won’t do Japanese writing, or martial arts.
95. Only fifty percent will be tested in this foul, high pressured way.
96. Wider World is a wonderful book, look after it.
97. De-ve-loped World.
98. Good people unfortunately get good marks.
99. This is the first time you have been exposed to SPAG.
100. OOH Rubber!
101. Tomorrow will be Judgement Day.
102. I like talking to you because you’re a great, talking Nomad.
103. (Talking to Simon Lowe.) Lowlife where are you?
104. Never let your mind run away! always keep it under strict control for two and a half hours.
105. Danny– Sir, Matty was just beating up a first year. Sir– Which one, the big one or the little one (pointing at Matthew Jones and Kingy.) Him? Matty, watch it!
106. This is a pop group called the “Pink Ladies”.
107. The next person to get provoked is Carl.
108. Sorry to be provocative, but it’s the name of the game.
109. Your mum might tell you to stop doing this if you’re lying on the carpet in front of the T.V, sprawling exactly.
110. You will notice that there is no more provocation, that’s over now, but I will remind you that Ian got that wrong.
111. (Pointing at Kingy.) Get out!
112. Unfortunately I’ve run out so now I have to make up some more so that people don’t feel left out.
113. I haven’t got anymore but let’s just check that people are still alive.
114. I can not, I can’t.
115. (Pointing to a tiny bit of rain forest on a tiny photo) Look carefully, you can see the birds in the trees.
116. Never be led, you’re not a sheep.
117. If you think I’m being rude about you, I am and I’m sorry. But it’s necessary isn’t it.
118. Iced banana or cold banana, it’s all fruit ain’t it.
119. Collecting up banana’s!
120. Don’t be clever.
121. If I knew how to spell “Paedophiles” I’ll correct it but I can’t.
122. I can see from my point of view that you’re a bit insecure.
123. Good morning, it’s the 26th of November, more geography.
124. Did he mention anybody? Did he swear?
125. I have used words like…banana….Density.
126. Gary, sit down please, don’t move again!
127. Simon– Sir will the exam be like the one we had last time? Sir– No that was just a game.
128. Me-Sir, how’s Manuel? Sir– Well when we go back to Torremolinos we might meet him, but except from that, I know nothing.
129. Me– Sir, will you do your funny walk please, please? Sir– I might do it at Christmas. Me– You’ll do it at Christmas yeah? Sir– Which Christmas? Me– This one. Sir– No, I have got a bad leg (he stretches his right leg) Me– Oh. (He limps off.)
130. Me– Sir, have you still got your spear? Sir– Which one? Me– The African one. Sir– Oh yes, and I have brought a spade. We have to dig up the diamonds today (referring to the Jubilee garden) so I have brought in my big one.
131. I’ll throw my book into the hedge and tell sir the dog ate it.
132. You’ve done it once, you can do it again.
133. Some of it’s not that interesting, but it does make you feel good if you know it.
134. Sit down I don’t want to see you walking around I told you yesterday, now I’m gonna get cross.
135. Danny– I’m not having anymore of this! Sir– Then go and see Mr.Tippet, go on, take your work. I don’t want you in here anymore.
136. Simon– Hee, Hee (In a sheepish way.) Sir– Shut up you’re not on a farm now.
137. Delightful, lovely, smooth paper, it’s expensive, it’s got lines on it.
138. Big, clear and bold things.
139. Sir– Shh, language! Danny– I didn’t swear. Sir– Well it’s a thought.
140. Brunel isn’t recent he’s old and gone.
141. Don’t say “Liverpool is a drug ridden country”.
142. Arid, very, very dry like deodorant.
143. Where they have large hoses that just knock about like this; (waves his hand about.)
144. Get your body settled please.
145. Matty– Sir, I wasn’t chewing. Sir– Yes you were your jaws were going up and down.
146. Clives looking for paper and he’s got a whole sheet, don’t be a thief Clive!
147. The rich overcame the poor in one big flood.
148. Nothing is free except a smile.
149. Ian pick up your ruler put it on.
150. Do you’re work or you’ll be suffering!
151. Simon, you great big selfish person.
152. You’ve got a map Rich, or are you rich? Are you poor?
153. Sir– Emma people are working hard on this and you’re dreaming. Emma– I’m not dreaming. Sir– Sorry I got it wrong then, but, you’re not working.
154. You dare not answer that Tasha because it exposes you.
155. The clock ticks on all the way through the exam, so you have to push on.
156. “I’m not lazy”- That’s a quote from Daniel.
157. Simon get on with your work or I will accuse you of not working.
158. Sir – Rubbish? No, that’s good that. (looking at rubber) Emma– It’s Simon’s rubber. Sir– errgh!
159. You always have to avoid the flooded bits.
160. (Friendly) Come in sit down..(sudden anger)..and shut up! It’s homework but none of it is to be done at home. I have redefined it into class work because if I wanted to give you homework I would have called it homework, but I didn’t want to give you homework so I didn’t give you any. Well, it’s Christmas.
161. Ian, you’re not on the football field now.
162. Chris, what are you’re tar…ar…gu…ets…for…te…fu…tar…
163. (Talking to Katy wood) Woody! Can you sign this please.
164. Renault cars sent me an umbrella bag, saying, “come and see a Renault and you can have the umbrella to go with the bag” -and I did do that and it’s a big black and white one. No, black and gold.
165. He takes the farm indoors you see! Why not? (Shocked) He’s got a wall of lettuce.
166. I said that to Dean Barton as well,I said…”Would you not write shite on my desk please.”
167. That looks aesthetically unpleasing.
168. Me– Sir, have you brought your umbrella? Sir– No! It’s not raining.
169. Marawanna moved here from Milton Keynes.
170. Sorry Tasha, you got the wrong end of my tongue.
171. I don’t want to have to have forced migration into detention.
172. Sit still Matty, you’re sort of floppy today.
173. Matt, you might be big but I can still climb up on a table.
174. It’s not a role model of a density shading map, a public apology there.
175. It’s a very crowded house, that reminds me of something I watched over the weekend, Crowded House live at the Sidney opera house, all the songs off the C.D.
176. Trans-across, transport, transvestite-a cross dresser, trans humans.
177. (Discussing speed bumps) Big ones. Good to speed over. Give you a bump.
178. Danny was interventionist of the highest order.
179. Don’t cheat me.
180. Oh don’t lie!
181. You should be here working on your own malition.
182. It’s the last few minutes of the exam, you’re sitting there, the sweat is pouring down your arms.
183. We got you Saddam Hussein, come in, sit down, stop bullying the Kurds. (rough, croaky emphasis on “Kurds”)
184. Things are getting better. Things can only get better D:ream.
185. Sir– Kim, in mech, What were you doing? Kim– Accessibility for disabled people. Sir– Did you do anything about the whale? Kim– No. Sir– Oh.
186. Nick and Danny I am bringing you back to order. (CLICKING FINGERS) Order!
187. Lap-shang-shoup-sang, Earl grey, P.G Tips.
188. Don’t be a Daniel Ockwell.
189. “Study figure 5” huh, didn’t say please did it?
190. Sit back put a pillow behind you and check it.
191. Richard has done quite well, but sometimes he needs a little shot of insulin, or a lot!
192. (Doing an impression of Mr.Cole, putting tie up) You may start.
193. It’s like the innocent rainbow trout, that is being fed on horrible pink stuff.
194. Ian Fawkes has been isolated! as a loner at the front.
195. Pink like an Alaskan Salmon!
196. Me– Sir, John Cleese hasn’t been mentioned today. Sir– He’s old, he’s a liberal democrat!
197. I think the geography is like a shoal of sardines, they’re all squashed into a small can polished and sent off.
198. Geography and more geography it’s all absolutely wonderful!

Collected and compiled by Adam O’Dwyer and Chris New in 1997.